November 3, Thoughts

I am overwhelmed. I do not leave myself time to reflect. 
I am sitting in a class teaching me about spreadsheets;
I cannot think. I feel my brain about to shrink. How do I
spread my thoughts across a sheet? I need to clean my
sheets. Did I hand in that worksheet? Your future is looking
bleek. Trying your best is not always enough. Where
are my friends? I am happy. I am thankful. I am lonely. I
am confused. I am tired. I am hungry. I can’t eat that.
I can’t spend money on that. I am smart. He is smarter.
Good job. Not your best. Did you sleep okay? I can’t tell.
You look like shit. I am not surprised. 

Stop. But did you finish.. Stop. I said are you.. STOP. 
You’re running out of..Hold on..have you even thought 
about..HOLD ON…did you take your birth control today?
Oh shit…no…. no…. no.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Ativan. Slowing. Down. 
Eyes. Closing..IS MY HEART STILL BEATING? Yes. 
Shhh. Okay. I hear a voice in the street. The strum of
electric heat. Hold your breath and count to three. 
I surrender to my sheets.